I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Spotted in New Orleans.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.