amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
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me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together