*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
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*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…