*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
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Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.