“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
#parenting
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!