I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
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Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K