5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
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Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
😂💯
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.