You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
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*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
classic mixup
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid