Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
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me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Ion see the issue
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.