Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
You Might Also Like
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My beach vacation Google searches
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?