Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
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Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*