@ candidates for local office
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Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*