*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
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My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free