Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
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Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.