my professor scared me for a second
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I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Interviewer: Let鈥檚 start with a simple question; what鈥檚 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You鈥檙e hired!
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
That’s classic.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Isn鈥檛
HER: I鈥檓 pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Breaking news:
How your email finds me
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I don鈥檛 get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can鈥檛 stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you鈥檝e done don鈥檛 look at me in that tone of voice
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.