The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
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Trying
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.