A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Love this guy
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life