Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
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Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Vodka burrito was a success
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that