If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
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My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!