Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
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“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I feel attacked.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“No way.” -Jose
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.