There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
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ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.