Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
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WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.