My god she’s good.
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Today’s Times
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.