“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
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If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”