heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
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if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately