– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
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It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Bike for sale
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Florida be like…
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!