I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
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She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?