cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
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How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
When you can’t find your friend Neil
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
My purse is deeper than some people.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure