Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
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Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one