Mistakes were made
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Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?