Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
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Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I am crying
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”