Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
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i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
his wife is probably gonna see that
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.