Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
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Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*