Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
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Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Print is alive and well!!!
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Friday night party time 🥳