In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
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Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.