Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
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When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Message from the dog groomers
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Phonetics
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.