If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
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Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen