Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You Might Also Like
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.