Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
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You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Accurate
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
We’ve all been there
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.