Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
This is hilarious….
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
hi why am I like this
That’s easy for you to say
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.