When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
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Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
This classic never gets old . . .
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.