Mmmm canned fish.
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it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
The Birdles
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Thursday
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Expect the unexporcupine.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.