I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
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Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
We’ve all been there
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.