*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”