An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
You Might Also Like
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Finished stitching this today 😇
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?