My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
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*lint rolls you awake*
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.