After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
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*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.