Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I feel seen
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages