Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
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How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”