Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
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Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.